Give me a Reason
by Demias
Summary: Ed feels useless. He achieved his goal of getting Al's body back and now he has nothing to live for. After a suicide attempt, Hughes and Roy take it upon themselves to help him. Can they give him a reason to live? RoyEd
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Give me a Reason

**Rating: **M

**Warnings:** Cutting, suicide attempts, depression, angst, yaoi/shounen-ai/slash/whatever else you may want to call it. Probably OOCness.

**Pairings: **RoyEd, mentions of AlWin

**Summary: **Alphonse, after getting his body back, has gone to Resembool to spend time with Winry. Ed feels the loss of the reason to search for the Philosophers Stone has taken his reason for living. He thinks he has nothing left to live for, so he tries to end his meaningless life, only to be stopped by Hughes and Roy. But can they give him a reason to live or have they just delayed the inevitable?

**Chapter: **1 of 2

Author's Rant: Wow, what a crappy summary. And what a cliché plot. I apologize sooo much! Anyways, I promised myself that I would not post another full story until I finished the one I'm on, so I'm making this into just two chapters so that I won't break that promise.  
I apologize if it all seems a bit awkward.  
Though this is my second story with cutting in it, I am not a depressed person so thus I had a little trouble getting into the mentality of one…  
Anyways, hope you enjoy it!

* * *

**Give me a Reason**

By Demias

Ed stared blankly at the gray light that managed to filter through his window. Outside, he knew, the sun was shining happily and cheerfully. He hissed at the weather that was so opposite his mood and jerked the curtains closed.

A glance at the time told him he was late for his meeting with the Colonel to present his report, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He dropped back onto his bed and pulled the blankets over his head to further block out the light. He sighed into the darkness.

Ed wanted nothing more than to stay in bed. He didn't want to have to don his mask again and face the world. He didn't want to smile and pretend nothing was wrong. He didn't want to answer the usual "How're you, Edward?" with the normal "Fine, thanks" when all he wanted to do was scream he wasn't okay. He was just so tired of it all.

After a long moment, Ed reluctantly pushed the blankets off of him and blinked into the dimly lit room. Slowly he pushed himself off his bed and dressed, grabbing a packet of paper from his bedside.

Ed paused at the door. He scowled, slapped his cheek lightly, and schooled his features into a normal look. He hid the emptiness he felt and gathered his wits for the façade he knew was to follow. That being done, Ed opened the door and strode out into the public.

The walk to Roy Mustang's office was, for the most part, a blur. Ed passed nameless people who saluted or waved at him, and he made the appropriate response. Ed blinked when he realized he was in front of Roy's door. He took a moment at the door to gather himself in preparation, then he threw the door open.

Ed scowled at the Flame Alchemist, who simply set his pen down, a smirk already tugging at the older man's lips.

"Here's you damn report," Ed said as he strode over. Once he was close enough to the desk, he tossed the packet down and slumped onto a couch.

"Why Fullmetal…You're late. Although you could have been here all along… Perhaps I missed you," Roy drawled, shuffling the papers he had been working on when Ed waltzed in. Hawkeye had been there recently. That was clear in the fact Roy was actually working (the bullet holes behind him was a good hint also).

Ed bristled because that was what he was expected to do. "Who're you calling a midget who could get lost among stacks of paper!?" he growled.

Roy ignored the outburst in favor of glancing through the report. He flipped through the pages for a moment, then scrawled his neat signature at the bottom.

"You managed to accomplish your mission without destroying anything valuable… I'm impressed, Fullmetal."

Ed scowled and crossed his arms defiantly.

Roy clasped his hands before him as he leaned forwards. Ed knew he was about to receive a play-by-play of his mission, undoubtedly heard through Mustang's extensive network of sources. He sighed and slumped against the back of the couch. He wanted nothing more, at that moment, than to go back to bed.

* * *

Roy opened his mouth to ask about the criminal that Ed had managed to apprehend (the kidnapper had just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and Ed had caught him, despite it being completely irrelevant to the mission), but stopped as Ed slouched against the seat. For a moment, he looked so… tired. The assignment must have drained the boy more than he thought.

"Alright, Fullmetal. You're dismissed. Get some rest," Roy ordered, setting the report aside for later. Ed glanced up in surprise, shock reflecting off his features. Then gratefulness flooded his face and Roy wondered if the boy was sick or injured.

"Right. See ya, Colonel," Ed called as he left. Roy stared after him for a few seconds. He couldn't help but think whatever was wrong with Ed was something simple rest wouldn't cure.

* * *

Ed contemplated the knife. It was a simple switchblade that he had picked up at as a souvenir a while ago. The blade hadn't even been sharp when he bought it. It was now, though. Ed had honed and sharpened the blade, both conventionally and alchemically, until it cut with ease.

The blade gleamed dully as Ed flipped it open. He turned it until it caught the last bit of morning sun filtering through into his room and glinted dangerously. Then he flicked it shut and dropped it onto the bed.

A moment later, Ed picked it up again and repeated the process.

This time, however, instead of snapping it shut, he lowered it to his left wrist.

How simple it'd be. A quick flick of his automail wrist would send the blade through his flesh veins. A moment of pain…. Then the rest Ed craved so much.

He was so tired of everything. He had no purpose anymore. Al had his body back, and was enjoying his returned life with Winry in Resembool. Ed had nothing to work towards anymore. Life had become… a litany of meaningless missions and monotony. No one cared. No one noticed. Sometimes Ed's mask would slip and he knew his pain would show to anyone who cared to look, even as he walked down the halls of HQ, but No one ever noticed. No one ever cared. No one ever thought to see how the youngest state alchemist was faring.

No one was expecting Ed until tomorrow at the earliest. He could slit his wrist and no one would know until someone came to his room to find his body, long cooled. How easy it would be…

Ed applied a bit more pressure on the knife and a thin line of red appeared on his forearm. Sharp exquisite pain shot through his arm from the shallow cut.

_Do it_.

Ed growled as he jerked the knife away from his arm. He stared at it for a minute, then flung it away from him. It skittered across the floor.

"Coward," Ed hissed to the empty room as a thin line of red dripped down his arm onto the blanket beneath him.

Ed sat and stared at the leak of crimson liquid until it had clotted and cooled. A lethargy had settled in his veins, but it was different from the weariness of before. It was… peaceful. Comfortable.

That shallow cut was the first time Ed had ever raised a weapon to himself for self mutilation. It bled a surprising amount for such a small cut. He had played with the knife countless times before, but never had he drawn blood. Shuddering in remembrance of the sharp pain piercing through the haze that had seemed to settle over Ed's mind of late, Ed's eyes trailed to where the knife was laying near the wall.

Finally, Ed stood and fetched the knife and his first aid kit. He wiped the blade of the few drops of blood before slipping it into the drawer of his nightstand. Next, he wrapped bandages sloppily around his wrist-- just enough to keep it from making any further mess-- and bundle the bloodied blanked into a ball to wash later.

Ed heaved a sigh as he dropped back onto his bed. The lethargy in his body seemed to make his automail limbs clumsy and abnormally heavy. He closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.

* * *

"Hawkeye," Roy called softly as he spotted his First Lieutenant returning from wherever she had disappeared to. The blonde looked up sharply from where she had been about to sit. Roy set his pen down and regarded Hawkeye carefully.

"Yes sir?"

"Have you noticed anything… unusual about Fullmetal recently? Was he injured or anything?" he asked slowly. Hawkeye frowned.

"I haven't seen him at all since he returned," she admitted.

The feeling that something was wrong in Roy's gut doubled. "Ah… I see," he muttered thoughtfully.

"Colonel… Is something wrong?" Hawkeye prodded, her eyes narrowing.

Roy shook his head. "I don't know. It's probably nothing. I'm going to lunch."

Roy was mostly out the door before Hawkeye could object.

'_My instincts are telling me something's wrong… My instincts are usually right… But _what_?'_ Roy thought to himself as he walked to the cafeteria, absently returning greetings.

Growing in frustration, Roy helped himself to a sandwich and munched it in silence. He half-hoped he'd find Ed wolfing down his food and talking loudly with Armstrong or Hughes or Havoc or _someone_. He just wanted to see _something_ that showed Edward was okay. Roy didn't like worrying about something he didn't understand.

He didn't even have to look up to know the Fullmetal Alchemist wasn't there.

It was times like these that Roy wished he had a better relationship with his subordinate. Sure, they could trust each other in battle, but they had never really _talked_. To be honest, though Roy knew the Elric brothers' history with human transmutation, and though Roy had seen Ed close to tears on a few occasions, Roy didn't _know_ Ed. He knew how to rile the boy up with implications of being short, and he knew how to push the blonde's buttons _without _a single short-comment, but he didn't know what Ed did in his free time, or what he felt about certain things.

Roy furrowed his brow as he tried to think of times he had actually talked or listened to Fullmetal. That time in the rain after the Nina incident…

Roy frowned. Though they had known each other for years, and though Roy cared for the younger's wellbeing (dare he say he even cared for the boy more than was normal?), he had never really conversed with him about anything other than work or alchemy.

He needed someone who knew what Ed was thinking. Al would have been a good choice, since the two brothers had been so close, but at the same time, Roy suspected Alphonse wouldn't have been the best choice. He was _too_ close to his older brother. Sometimes one needed to step back in order to see the big picture…

Hughes. Roy needed to talk to Hughes. As far as he knew, Hughes was on pretty good terms with Edward, and though a bit of an annoyance sometimes, Roy knew from experience Hughes listened, gave good advice, and most of all, retained what you told him. If Ed hadn't told Hughes already, Roy suspected Hughes would be able to get at least some information out of the short alchemist.

Damn it… This was too much thought to be putting into a hunch. Roy downed the rest of his drink and stood to return to his office. First, though, he had a call to make.

* * *

Ed woke to a dimly lit room. He knew, judging by the amount of light, that it was probably around three in the afternoon. After spending so much time in his room with the curtains drawn, he had begun to be able to tell the time easily. In the morning, his window got direct sun, so even with the curtains, it was fairly bright. As the day wore on, his room got darker.

A check of his pocket watch told Ed it was indeed three seventeen.

Ed sighed and ran his hand through his hair, dislodging it even further from it's already disheveled braid. His stomach chose that moment to growl loudly. He hadn't eaten since yesterday morning. He hadn't been hungry. Even now, the thought of eating anything too heavy or rich made him want to retch. He hadn't been eating well lately, so his body was unused to the richer foods now.

He supposed he should eat. Hopefully whatever food he managed to keep down would last him until tomorrow night at least, hopefully longer. Ed didn't like going into the cafeteria. It was too easy to be dragged into a conversation while eating. While he silently wanted someone to notice him and help him, he was too proud to say anything. He would not ask for help. Not even from his brother. Al didn't need him anymore. Right now, Al needed Winry… Ed wasn't blind. The budding relationship between Winry and Al was painfully obvious to him, though he doubted the two concerned had even noticed it yet…

So the three childhood friends became a couple and a third wheel. Ed closed his eyes wearily.

No matter what prospective he put it into, he was useless. He had no purpose other than the pointless missions he was sent on… The missions that could easily be assigned to a different State Alchemist.

There was nothing for him. _Nothing_. He just… existed.

Biting his lip, Ed pulled his hair into a ponytail and pulled on his coat and gloves.

His body needed food to function. He supposed he could just ignore the gnawing in his midsection and not eat, but if he ever gathered the courage to finally finish it, he'd undoubtedly do something much quicker. It took a long time to starve to death.

Ed peeked out of his dorm room into the empty corridor and let a wry smirk pull at his lips. Figures. Everyone was working.

Since no one was about, Ed didn't worry too much about acting normal. He kept his face and eyes carefully blank but he didn't worry about the little things, like the fact that his stance was a tad off.

Ed managed to reach the cafeteria without running across anyone (quite a feat considering he would normally run across one or two people around ever turn). He grabbed himself a light sandwich and a cup of water and plopped down. The cafeteria was nearly empty. The only others in the room was a Second Lieutenant talking in hushed tones to someone else, whose rank Ed couldn't see.

Edward ate the sandwich mechanically. He was about a quarter of a way through when he felt eyes on him. Forcing his eyes to be bright and strong, Ed glanced up.

"Hey Hughes," he called to the man who was already most of the way to the seat across from him.

"Ed! Back from your mission, I see! How was it?" Hughes asked sitting and grinning idiotically.

"Tiring, but it was all easy enough," Ed replied, stuffing another bite into his mouth.

"Oh! Elysia's grown so much since you last saw her! Here she is with her hair clipped back! Isn't she soooo cuteee?" Hughes prompted, pulling a photo from his breast pocket and waving it at Ed. Ed took it reluctantly and glanced at it. Elysia _was_ cute, but Hughes always overdid it.

"That's just the first! Wanna see the rest?" Hughes continued, sipping his soda enthusiastically.

'_She's so lucky she has a father that cares so much…_' Ed couldn't help but think. He put a lid on that line of thoughts quickly, before his expression could do more than flicker.

"No, no, I don't want to get the pictures dirty…" Ed muttered in excuse as he gestured at his half eaten sandwich. Hughes nodded, snatched the picture back, planted a kiss on it and slipped it back into his pocket.

"So, Edward, how are you?" Hughes asked, suddenly serious. Ed had a sudden worry that Hughes knew something, but ignored it. Ed had been playing his part flawlessly. He didn't know. Hughes couldn't know.

"I'm good. Why do you ask?" Ed replied as he cocked his head to one side.

"It's nothing. Just with Al being in Resembool… How long's he been gone now?" Hughes continued, the previous seriousness faded as he waved his hand dismissively.

"Nearly two months," Ed answered, scrunching his nose for good measure. He sent a lopsided smile at the Lieutenant Colonel and took another bite of his sandwich.

Ed ate the rest of the sandwich quickly and washed it down with the rest of his water while Hughes babbled away. Finally, Ed stood and gave the older man another smile.

"I've got to get going…"

"Of course! It was great seeing you again, Ed!" Hughes laughed as he waved at Ed.

After Ed was gone, however, Maes Hughes sobered rather quickly. He took off his glasses and ran a hand over his face.

"Roy… Looks like your instincts were right once again… There's something different about that kid…" he muttered to himself.

"I can't place what's bugging him though… Damn, that brat's a good actor."

* * *

"Roy, I need to talk to you," Hughes called, raising an arm in greeting as he strode into the Colonel's office.

Roy frowned. "Lieutenant Colonel Hughes… Can it wait?"

Hughes shook his head and gave an apologetic smile to Hawkeye. She, ever the perceptive one, quietly excused herself (but not before casting a meaningful glance at Roy-- as if to say 'I'm letting it go, but you'd better not slack off!').

"What is the meaning of this, Hughes?" Roy asked, fully expecting Hughes to pull out a stack of photographs of his daughter. When nothing of the sort happened, he frowned.

Hughes looked oddly serious. Roy's frown deepened.

"It's about Ed."

Roy leaned forwards in his seat and gave Hughes a nod to continue.

"I just talked to him… I met him in the cafeteria. I think you're right. There was something off about him."

Roy rubbed his temples as he nodded gravely. "Could you tell what it was? Maybe he just misses his brother," he ventured, though his gut was telling him it wasn't so. Hughes just confirmed it when he shook his head.

"Alright, Hughes, keep an eye on him. Report back to me if you notice anything else."

"Aye aye, sir!" Hughes grinned as he saluted. It was funny how the few times Roy could coax a salute from the lower ranking officer before him was when Hughes found it funny.

* * *

Ed sat and stared at the knife before him. Normally, Ed wouldn't have a stare down with an inanimate object (milk being the exception) but Ed felt the knife was stare-worthy. He wanted to just pick it up and slash his forearm until his blood drained out and he was left to rest in peace. He'd be just one last burden on those around him as they had to clean up after him, but it would be okay. Al and Winry were the only ones who actually cared about Ed and now they had each other. They would mourn, then they would move on and their lives would be better for it.

With a shaky hand, Ed reached for the blade once more.

'_C'mon, Fullmetal. Be strong. Do it.' _Ed grasped the handle of the blade firmly. '_You thought you'd give your life for Al's body, but it turns out the price wasn't that high… You'd just be correcting the mistake.'_

The blade was resting against his arm now. Ed knew, logically, that a slash across his wrist wasn't as damaging as a slice along his wrist, but he didn't care. Whether he died or not was irrelevant. All he wanted was that peace that had settled in him after the first cut.

Ed slid the blade along his skin until three parallel cuts lined his wrist. Though fairly deep, Ed knew they weren't deep enough to kill. The pain cleared the fog from his mind and for a moment he saw things with a sharp clarity he had lost when he lost his purpose.

He watched the blood well up and flow with a morbid fascination. That was the life giving liquid….

As Ed watched the blood flow, he thought of other times he had seen blood. The spray of blood from one of Scar's victims, the blood that clouded his vision as his temple bled… Edward Elric was no stranger to blood.

Though he had seen blood in general countless times before, Ed was inexplicably spellbound by the flow of it from his forearm.

It was amazing how much blood a body could lose before feeling the effects. A puddle of blood was pooling on the floor next to him, growing as more red liquid dripped down his arm. The splash of crimson had spread quite a bit before Ed realized he was getting lightheaded.

Ed tried to get to his feet to get a bandage but suddenly the room seemed to spin before him. He had lost too much blood and had stood too fast. He managed to stumble the couple steps to his bed and collapsed on it.

It didn't matter, he decided. The bandages didn't matter.

All that mattered was that welcoming darkness that loomed at he edge of his vision.

* * *

It was just after dawn when Ed woke again. His body felt sluggish and his mind was muddled, but Ed didn't mind. It provided a peace from the pain that had become his constant companion. It was pleasant.

Slowly, Ed rose, cleaned the floor with the already bloody blankets, and decided to shower. HE needed to wash the dried blood from his body, and his hair was beginning to feel greasy.

An hour later, Edward was dressed. After a moment of debate, he decided to venture out into the world again. He needed to make appearances to keep the others from getting suspicious. He left his arm un-bandaged because it had stopped bleeding and pulled on his normal red coat over his black jacket and shirt.

Quickly braiding his hair, Ed donned his mask once more and set out.

Within minutes, Ed found himself blinking into the bright sun as he emerged onto the roof of Central City military Headquarters. He didn't remember making a conscious decision to come here, but he didn't regret it. It felt nice to be out in the open but away from the prying eyes of the public.

He made his way to the edge of the roof and stared out at the city.

* * *

Maes Hughes glanced up as he walked. Everyday, just as he passed this spot, he'd glance up at the HQ building, which peeked from between the closer buildings. This was the only glimpse he'd get of it through his whole walk until he was much closer. There was something he liked about looking at his place of employment from afar. It was like a glimpse of what his family saw. For this one moment, Hughes was like a civilian looking towards the tall building.

This time, however, there was something different. Pushing his glasses up and squinting, Hughes gasped. He could make it out now. He recognized that red coat. Even from here, Hughes could tell the figure was too close to the edge.

Reacting on instinct, Hughes flew to the nearest phone booth and punched in the number to HQ.

"Connect me to Colonel Roy Mustang! ASAP! This is Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes!" he said urgently as the phone was picked up.

"May I have the code please?"

Hughes bit off a line of curses as he dug out his notebook and gave the string of nonsense words. The operator verified the code and Hughes cursed loudly as he waited for Roy to pick up.

"Hughes? It's me," Roy answered after a moment. Frantically, Hughes wondered if that moment made a difference.

"Roy! Go to the roof! Now! Ed's up there! He's on the edge. I'll be there as soon as I can."

Hughes didn't need to say anything else. He heard a scratchy thump and he knew Roy had dropped the phone. Slamming his own phone down, Hughes ran back towards HQ, praying he hadn't taken too long and that Roy would be able to get there in time.

* * *

Ed stared down at the ground from the edge of the room and sighed. It was a good eight or nine story drop to the unrelenting ground below. It would be messier, but all it would take was a single step… One he took that step, there would be no chickening out. It was a nice thought. He'd _have _to finish it. There was no half-assing _this_ like he had earlier with the knife.

Before Ed could do anything, a sharp shout rang out and suddenly arms snaked themselves around his waist and pulled him violently away from the edge and against the chest of someone taller than him.

Instinctually, Ed struggled and managed to break mostly free. A hand caught his left wrist as he looked frantically up into the face of his superior. Emotions ran rampant over that normally composed face as Roy tried to pull Ed back against him. Ed could see worry and anger and shock, as well as countless others that Ed couldn't even begin to name.

"FULLMETAL! Stop! Edward!" Roy exclaimed as Ed continued to try to pull himself away. His arm hurt. Ed knew Roy had ripped the cuts open once more, but that didn't matter. Ed just needed to get away. He lashed out and gave an inarticulate cry as Roy tightened his grip and tried to catch his right arm.

"LET ME GO!!" Ed shouted as tears began to prick at his eyes. He didn't know why the tears were coming. Was it the pain? Or the humiliation of being caught? Either way, Ed doubled his efforts to get away.

"Stop! Edward! Just… STOP!"

"NO! LEMME GO! BASTARD!!"

Finally, Ed tore himself free. For an instant, he considered leaping off the edge, but the moment was ruined. He didn't want to force his colonel to see his death. The man had already seen too much death. Ed couldn't bring more pain to Roy's shoulders if he could help it.

Roy lunged once more for Ed and Ed danced out of the way as he stumbled towards the door. He crashed down the stairs and down corridors. He was lucky he was still in decent shape, for the many flights of stairs would surely have tired him out. As it was, he was panting as he reached the front doors to HQ. He knew Roy wasn't far behind him.

Ed dashed out the doors and nearly ran into Hughes on the steps. The Lt. Colonel skidded to a stop but Ed didn't even pause. They crashed and they were both He vaulted down the steps and away from HQ.

* * *

Roy stumbled out of the building and blinked at the sudden sun that streamed into his eyes. Cursing, Roy staggered a couple more steps as his eyes adjusted.

"Roy? Ed just-- I couldn't stop him."

Roy blinked up at his best friend and frowned. "What? Damn it! Fullmetal, what're you thinking?!" Roy panted. He hated the fact he had been outrun by a boy with shorter legs than him.

"We'll find him. Call the others," Roy barked suddenly.

"Roy-- your hand!"

Roy gave Hughes a curious look and glanced down. What he saw made his stomach flop. Blood. His hand was coated in drying blood. How had he missed that? Where had it come from?

"Fullmetal… SHIT! I grabbed Ed's arm! His flesh arm!"

Hughes gave Roy a worried look. Without a word, they shot into action. Hughes ran out into the street searching for a glimpse of a red coat or golden hair while Roy sprinted back into the building to gather his subordinates for a search.

* * *

Ed punched the wall with his flesh fist and gasped as pain shot up his arm. As it seemed to always do of late, the sharp bust of pain helped Ed think clearer. He needed… Well, he needed to change the way he looked. A long red coat and golden braid was too easy to see.

Ed frowned in thought. His arm hurt from the cuts and his fist throbbed periodically with his heart. It was almost funny how contrasting the pain in his left was to the nothingness of his automail right.

Stripping off his coat, Ed clapped his hands (wincing as his left throbbed at the contact) and transmuted the red coat into a red shirt and a pile of red bandages. Next, he removed his black jacket and tank top to transmute it into a black coat.

Ed sat against the wall of the alleyway and wrapped the cuts quickly.

Then he dressed and pulled his hair out of the braid. After a moment, he decided to leave it unbound. Roy and Hughes had rarely, if ever, seen him with it down.

He pulled his black coat closed and pulled up the hood.

Satisfied in his makeshift disguise, Ed stood , wobbling for only a second, and emerged from the alley. He needed to find a good crowd to blend into now… He needed time to think.

Ed made his way to one of the busier streets and ducked into a crowded café. He ordered something simple and selected a seat towards the back.

'_What do I do now? Where do I go?' _Ed thought to himself, blowing on the hot drink.

'_I suppose it doesn't matter. I can just finish it all tonight.'_

As if summoned by Ed's thoughts, Hughes ran past the café window, looking frantically from side to side. Ed felt a pang of guilt for putting him through this, but dismissed it.

Ed calmly sipped his drink as he contemplated his next move. When he saw Havoc pass the window a few minutes later, Ed realized they had gotten everyone in on the search for him. He'd have to be extra careful then…

* * *

Roy was scared. He had faced death without flinching countless times, yet at this moment, Roy was terrified. He remembered the wild look in Edward's eyes as the small blonde struggled against him after nearly jumping off the roof. His heart had leapt to his throat when he registered Hughes's words on the phone and it was still there.

With each passing moment, Roy's fear was growing. What if they didn't find him in time? What if Ed was already lying dead in an alley? What if Ed was dead and _Roy didn't even know_?!!?

Roy didn't know what to do.

He could still feel the blood on his hand, though he had wiped most of it off. It was smeared on his pants leg now. The implications of what had just happened had hit Roy like a punch to the gut.

Ed had been about to _jump_! Roy had seen it in his stance… The way the Fullmetal Alchemist's knees were slightly bent as his golden gaze was locked on the ground so far below him. And the blood on Edward's arm-- there wasn't many things that could explain that away…

Edward, one of the strongest people Roy knew, was cutting. That was the only thing that seemed logical in the situation. The boy was suicidal.

Roy clenched his fist and gritted his teeth as his dark blue eyes surveyed yet another street with no sign of Ed.

When had this happened? Roy had noticed something was off about the boy, but he would never have thought it was something of this magnitude.

How had he not noticed sooner?

Roy had always thought he could read Fullmetal rather well. He could tell when he was angry. He knew when he was upset, even when Ed tried to hide it.

But… apparently Roy didn't know the teenager as well as he thought he did.

Roy was about to turn another corner when something caught his attention from the corner of his eye. He turned and frowned. A short figure with a black coat was walking in the other direction. Though the hood was pulled up, occasionally the wind would whip long strands of gold hair out. The figure would simply lift a gloved hand and tuck it back in the hood.

Roy's stomach flopped. It was him. There was no way Roy would be unable to recognize his subordinate, even though Ed had changed his appearance. The way he walked, the gloves, the length of the step-- with every detail Roy noticed, the more certain he became that he had found the missing blonde.

Relief flooded through him. He wasn't too late.

Walking quickly, a determined frown set on his features, Roy trailed after Ed while calling Hawkeye to give her their location. When he spotted the black car nearing, Roy lunged forwards before Ed could notice either of them and pulled Ed against his chest, his arms pinned to his sides.

Ed gave a strangled shout and struggled, but this time Roy was prepared. He held on long enough for Hawkeye to stop, leap out and help Roy shove Ed into the car. Roy leapt in to make sure Ed didn't do anything stupid, but Edward had seemingly given up.

Ed slumped against the far door, his bangs falling forwards to hide his eyes as the rest of his hair hung limp around his head. He said nothing.

"Fullmetal…" Roy began uncertainly as Hawkeye began to drive. She gave him a look in the rear view mirror that told him she was taking them to his place because they all knew Ed would react badly to anywhere hospital related.

"…Bastard…" The whispered word was so quiet Roy had to strain to hear it. That single word was so full of pain… Roy bit his lip. He tried to hard to find Edward, and now that he had, he didn't know what to say.

Silently, Roy reached for Ed's left arm, ignoring the way Ed seemed to shudder at his touch, and pulled up the sleeve. He frowned at the crudely wrapped bandages and unwrapped them. Ed remained limp throughout it all, as if he didn't care anymore.

Roy traced a finger lightly over the shallowest of the four cuts that marred the pale skin. Ed shivered but still refused to look up.

"Full-- Ed. Why?"

Finally, Ed looked up. Roy found himself pinned by two tired amber eyes. Eyes that were too old for the seventeen year old before him. Eyes that had seen too much. Roy's breath caught in his throat and his eyes burned. How in hell had he missed this before?!

Ed broke eye contact first, looking back down to his lap. Roy knew Ed was withdrawing and it made him angry that he couldn't do a damn thing to stop it.

"Edward… I don't know why you would do this, but promise me you won't do it again, at least until you talk to me about it," Roy said, trying to make his voice both authoritative yet sympathetic. It was hard. Normally, he could make his voice one or the either easily enough… but both was hard.

Ed turned his head stubbornly away.

Not knowing what else to do, Roy talked. He ignored the fact Hawkeye was in the car also, and focused only on drawing a reaction from Ed.

"After the Ishbalan Massacre," Roy began, "I blamed myself for everything. I had killed countless innocents. Their blood was on my hands. I had to atone for it some how. I had the gun in my mouth before I could even think about what I was doing."

Roy ignored the way Hawkeye looked up sharply, her eyes staring at him in the rear view mirror. He noted only that Ed was looking at him again.

"I thought that I didn't have anything to live for. I joined the military to _help _the people and instead I'm ordered to kill." Roy closed his eyes against the painful memories. Though it was years ago, Roy could still taste the cool metal in his mouth as his finger tightened on the trigger.

"Hughes stopped me. He walked in just as I was about to pull the trigger. He talked me into waiting until I was sure there was nothing else I could do. So I gave him the gun and we talked through the night. He told me that if I wanted to repent, I should _live _for those I killed and try to make things so that nothing like that would happen again.

"God… I don't know what would have happened if Hughes hadn't been there. I would have gone insane long before, or I would have succeeded in killing myself. Even though he couldn't physically _do _anything to help me, just talking to him helped.

"Ed… Talk to someone. I'll listen. We may not get along, but I do care for you, you know. Hughes will listen. I'm sure Alphonse would listen. You're surrounded by people that'll listen to you… You just need to talk to us."

Roy winced a bit at the sappiness of his own words, but he could tell they had an effect on Ed. Golden eyes were uncertain as Ed bit his lips, a fine, miniscule tremor running through his body. Ed was studying Roy, as if searching for the credibility of his words, so Roy offered Ed a tentative smile.

This time, Roy couldn't help but feel a surge of hope as a familiar spark of fire lit itself in Ed's eyes.

"Don't… Don't tell Al. Promise me you won't tell Al… and I'll promise I'll try to talk." Ed's voice was determined, but his expression was uncertain. It seemed Ed was expecting a rejection of the deal.

Roy softened his gaze.

"If you'll promise, then I won't tell Alphonse," Roy agreed quietly. The look of relief Ed sent him made his heart ache.

* * *

Roy peered into the room he had given Ed for the night and felt his eyes soften. Ed was curled on his side under the pile of blankets Roy had provided (he honestly hadn't expected Ed to use them _all_). The hair that always seemed to remind Roy of spun gold was loose and spread across the navy of the sheets. Pale lashes rested against paler cheeks as soft breaths made a few strands of his braid sway periodically.

The starch whiteness of the bandages bound around Ed's forearm was a sharp contrast against the darkness of the sheets.

Nothing had happened since that afternoon, really. Roy had called off the search and told Hawkeye to make sure he received at least a week off from work. He asked Hughes to stop by the next day after work. Then he was left to his own devices in his house accompanied only by the Fullmetal Alchemist.

They hadn't had a chance to talk yet. Rather, Ed hadn't gotten up the will to talk yet. Roy had left as many openings as he could without seeming suspicious, but each was met with a hesitant refusal or change in subject. It was frustrating, really, but Roy, having been there himself years ago, was able to be patient. He wondered how Hughes had put up with him though.

Finally, night had fallen and Roy had provided Ed with some pajamas and blankets.

Ed had fallen asleep almost instantly.

A soft moan brought Roy out of his musings. He turned to peek back into Ed's room and winced as he saw Ed thrash for a moment. He was about to go in and wake him when Ed woke himself.

He sat upright in one sudden, jerky movement and stared unseeing at the far wall for a moment as his breaths came in frantic puffs. As his breathing slowed, Ed hugged his knees to his chest with his left arm while his automail arm clenched at the blankets.

"I'm sorry…" Roy heard Ed whisper.

As Roy watched, Ed lifted his head and stared at the bandages for a long moment. Roy was almost afraid Ed would tear them off and break his promise, but instead Ed just made a fist and dropped his head back over his knees.

Roy turned resolutely away as the first quiet sob reached his ears.

'_What am I going to do with you, Edward? I don't know how I can help you… I don't even know why it hurts me so much to see you like this… I've seen it countless times before… I thought I was numb to it all by now. Damn it, Fullmetal! I've never seen a pair of siblings closer than you and your brother! Why did you think you're in this alone? I always thought it was amazing how well you managed to stay childish after all you'd gone through… I guess I was wrong. You're just a kid who was forced to grow up too fast… You're an adult. An immature adult, but an adult nonetheless. I'm sorry for underestimating you, Edward. And for overestimating you. Damn you, Fullmetal Shrimp, what were you _thinking_?!'_

Roy let out a hiss of breath as he shut himself in his own room.

* * *

3 March 2007

Did you like it? Hate it? Review! I'd like to know.


	2. Chapter 2

I forgot the dislaimer in chapter one, so…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist/ Hagane no Renkinjutsu. Hiromu Arakawa is the genius behind that. I simply have a name similar to hers (Harumi) if you stretch your imagination.

**Title: **Give me a Reason

**Rating: **M

**Warnings:** Cutting, suicide attempts, depression, angst, yaoi/shounen-ai/slash/whatever else you may want to call it. Probably OOCness.

**Pairings: **RoyEd, mentions of AlWin

**Summary: **Alphonse, after getting his body back, has gone to Resembool to spend time with Winry. Ed feels the loss of the reason to search for the Philosophers Stone has taken his reason for living. He thinks he has nothing left to live for, so he tries to end his meaningless life, only to be stopped by Hughes and Roy. But can they give him a reason to live or have they just delayed the inevitable?

**Chapter: **2 of 2

Author's Rant: Wow! It's done! I hope you enjoy it. I don't like the way it ends up, but at least I had fun writing it… I tried to keep them in character but I'm not sure how well I succeeded…

Anyways, I hope you enjoy it. I'll see you on the flip side. (Flip side of what?) Hopefully I'll finish my Harry Potter fic soon so I can come back to FMA and post some of the other (longer!) ideas I have…

* * *

**Give me a Reason**

By Demias

Roy woke early to ensure he'd be up before his guest. By the time Hughes arrived, he realized it had been a unnecessary precaution. He had peeked into Ed's room more than once to find the boy still sleeping. His mind told Roy that after the blood loss of the day before, Ed had every right to sleep in, but that didn't stop Roy from peering in occasionally to make sure everything was okay.

Hughes told him he was acting like a mother hen. That made Roy settle down.

Because Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist, did _not_ fret over his subordinate like a mother hen. He worried calmly about the wellbeing because he was a _good_ commanding officer. That was all.

It was nearly ten when Roy heard Ed's door creak open. He glanced up to find Ed standing at the doorway looking like a mixture of confusion, apprehension and (dare Roy assume this?) guilt and thankfulness.

"Ed! Sleepy head! It's late already! Even Elysia was awake before you! Wanna see a picture?" Hughes called enthusiastically, whipping a picture out of his breast pocket and brandishing it.

Ed didn't react. He just stared blankly at Roy and Hughes for a long moment.

"Fullmetal?" Roy asked uncertainly.

Ed blinked slowly. "Why?"

"Excuse me? Why what?"

Ed shook his head, making his unbound blonde hair fall into his eyes. "Why're you doing this? Why do you care?"

Roy exchanged a look with Hughes as they decided the best way to handle this. Roy had thought for sure Ed would at least try to act like nothing was wrong, but it had become clear Ed was going to show all his cards early on. It was their move now.

Hughes tucked the picture away and frowned thoughtfully. He was the first one to speak.

"Ed…You and Al always try to shoulder things on your own… And you try to shoulder everything Al can't handle… Is it so hard to believe there's others that care about you?"

It wasn't much in the way of explanations, but it was enough. Roy realized in that instant how tense Edward had been-- like he had been prepared for the worst reply possible-- because suddenly, Ed seemed to relax minutely.

Ed nodded in acceptance of Hughes's answer, then gave a cocky grin. He was once again building up his mask, Roy recognized. Ed sauntered the rest of the way into the room and plopped down on the couch. He ran an annoyed hand through his hair and frowned.

In that movement, Roy caught sight of the starch-white bandages against the already-pale flesh. It was a harsh reminder of the day before, despite the fact Roy doubted he could forget it, even if he tried.

"Equivalent Exchange, Fullmetal," Roy purred after a second of thought. Ed blinked at him, then scowled.

"Of course, Colonel Irritating," he retorted. Roy grimaced inwardly, but he supposed he deserved it. He _had been _the first to bring military ranking into the picture…

Hughes watched everything with an analytical stare. Hughes, in spite of the happy-go-lucky-idiot attitude he sported most of the time, was surprisingly perceptive and logical. Along with that, Hughes was amazingly good with people. He drove people nearly insane, but Roy knew that half of it was an attempt to lighten the mood in the all-too-serious military. Overall, Hughes had many a skill that Roy envied, the foremost of which was his people-skills. Roy was sometimes lacking that that department. He could woo a woman easily enough, but that wasn't always useful. Women were just so… predictable.

Before Roy could back out, he spoke. "Why? Why would you do what you nearly did yesterday?"

Ed stared at Roy for a long moment, then he turned his gaze to the ceiling, casually crossing his hands behind his head. It as a painfully _normal _gesture. Ed was acting as if Roy hadn't just asked him why he had nearly committed suicide, and for a second, Roy thought Ed really was going to ignore the question completely.

"_Why_?" Ed repeated dully, startling Roy out of his reverie as the older man eyed the blonde. "C'mon, Colonel. You always seem to know everything that I do. What makes this any different?"

Roy reacted before he could think. He found himself staring angrily into startled eyes the color of molten, or alchemized, gold. His hand was fisted into Ed's shirt, tugging Ed up, halfway off the couch. Ed gave a pained sound as the shirt dug into the back of his neck, but he glared defiantly right back at Roy.

"You brat!" Ed growled. "You selfish little brat! I admit I should have noticed something sooner, and I apologize for that, but the world _doesn't revolve around you and your problems_!! Do you really think that we can see something so easily when you try so damned hard to hide it from us?! Damn it! You've always kept your distance from us… Tried to keep us from getting close. So now that this distance comes back and bites you in the ass, it's _our _fault?! We _tried_, Fullmetal! Do you have any idea what it's like running around a city hopelessly looking for someone, not knowing if they're dead… And not knowing _why_?!"

Roy shook Ed roughly to get his point across as smaller hands reached up to pry his grip off.

"Bastard!" Ed snarled, tearing his shirt out of Roy's grasp and stumbling a few steps away. "You don't know me! You never have! And don't give me this _tried_ bullshit! You've never cared about me! It's always been about how good you'd look, having discovered the famous Fullmetal Alchemist, hasn't it _Colonel _Mustang?! Anything to get your promotion. And now that you're in danger of losing the leverage you get from me… _Now _you care what happens to me!"

Ed glared heatedly at Roy, arms raised and feet apart, as if he were ready for a fight. Roy wondered if Ed really thought Roy would attack him, or it was just anger making the blonde so eager to fight. It was an absurdly silly thought, thinking Roy would physically attack him.

Silently, Hughes, who had nearly been forgotten in the excitement, silently leaned forwards, long arms easily traversing the distance between him and the fuming, short alchemist, and caught Ed's automail arm. He gave a sharp tug and pulled Ed into his lap.

Ed gave a strangled cry at the unexpected movement.

Suddenly, Roy was all too aware of how small Ed really was. Edward always had this presence that seemed to fill the room, making it easy to forget the truth behind Roy's well-placed jabs at the boy's height. He fit easily in Hughes's lap, even as he flailed his arms and tried to escape.

Still without saying a word, Hughes pressed Edward's head to his shoulder and wrapped his arms tightly around the small frame.

Hughes, Roy knew, was holding Ed like he held Elysia after she had a nightmare. Ed was bigger and he fought back, but the concept was the same. After the initial struggle, Ed finally gave up and allowed himself to be held.

Once more, Roy was reminded of how good Hughes was in situations such as these. He remembered how Hughes had been able to coax anger, regret, guilt, and a sense of _duty _out of Roy years ago, when Roy had needed those exact feelings to find his will to live. Roy was abysmal at these sort of things. Words of comfort that flowed so easily off of Hughes's tongue seemed awkward and wrong from Roy.

Yet… Watching Ed close his eyes and bury his nose into Hughes's shirt… Roy couldn't help but with it was _him _offering Ed comfort, not his best friend.

* * *

Ed didn't cry, but he was damned close. His eyes burned and there was a knot in his throat, but both were kept at bay as he reveled in the touch of another. He was touch-starved. He knew it-- had known it for a long time. Al was, for the most part, the only one who offered any sort of physical closeness with him, so with Al in Resembool and Ed in Central… Well, obviously Ed hadn't been engulfed in a comforting hug in too long.

Hughes was… Hughes was like a father. Hughes was like the father Ed always imagined he should have had. He was the one who both annoyed and accepted Ed unconditionally (especially the annoyed part) and guided Ed. He helped him when he failed, as he was doing now.

The hug Hughes had him in was so familiar, yet so foreign. It was the hug of his mother after he hurt himself playing or something, the touch of his teacher when she was feeling particularly sensitive, and most of all, it was the caress of his brother, the one Ed had been to hell and back with. It was the embrace he _barely _remembered receiving from his father when he was a child. Far more often, he sought the hug only to find his father in the study with his back to him.

Ed shuddered as he took a deep breath, burying his nose into Hughes's shirt collar and closing his eyes. Here, like this, it was so easy to pretend everything had simply been a nightmare and that when he opened his eyes everything would be okay again.

Ed blinked his eyes open, then narrowed them. It was _too _easy. It'd be so unfair for him to be able to drown his sorrows in a simple hug. He was pathetic. Childish.

Reluctantly, Ed pulled himself out of Hughes's arms and slid his feet to the floor from where they had been curled to the side of Hughes's legs.

Part of him wouldn't believe he had let himself be so taken by the moment. Another part was horrified at the thought of exposing himself to Hughes, with Roy Mustang as a witness. A final part of him, however, was oddly comforted and was expressing its regret at losing the contact.

He turned his eyes to Roy, half expecting a condescending smirk to be lit across the older man's face. He was surprised to find a sad, almost wistful smile instead.

It was utterly pitiable, Ed decided, how easily he had been swayed into trusting these two men with more than his life. Despite the fact Ed had always argued with the annoying, egotistical, womanizing colonel, he had always trusted the man to have his back if he needed him to.

Yet… Al had always been the only one Ed could lean on emotionally. Was he so desperate he'd turn to his superior officers for comfort?

Remembering the way he had simply submitted to being coddled like a child by the lieutenant colonel, Ed realized that yes, he was just that desperate, and that scared him.

But… it was so nice to be able to be open with someone. It was nice to not have to hide his emotions under layers upon layers of false cheer. Ed took a deep breath and closed his eyes. What was going to do?

He had promised Roy he would at least try to talk to one of them, and Ed wouldn't go back on his promise, but how much would he tell them? Would he be able to simply spill his guts?

Ed winced as the fist he hadn't even realized he was making sent a small stab of pain up his left arm. He kept his fist clenched and allowed those tiny pangs continue to shoot up his arm. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help but take a bit of comfort in that pain, as slight as it was.

When Ed opened his own eyes, he found himself the focus of two sets of eyes, one a deep blue that was very nearly black, and the other a dark hazel half hidden by a pair of glasses. Ed shifted his weight uneasily. He still didn't know what he was going to do.

Ed dropped ungracefully back onto the couch-- the same he had been occupying before Roy had so graciously forced him up. He didn't blame the Flame Alchemist, however. He had been livid when Roy had practically yelled at him. But then the anger had melted away. It just didn't last anymore. Any emotion that made him feel _alive_ usually didn't last more than a few minutes.

Besides, Ed wasn't a complete fool. He had seen the desperation in the taller man's eyes. It made his mind reel to think he had put that peculiar gleam there.

Ed recalled Roy's confession the day before. It made sense that Roy would see a bit of himself in Ed, then. It was a logical explanation as to why Roy actually cared about what happened to him. He saw himself in Ed. Nothing else.

Why, then, did Ed still want to bury his head in the man's arms and simply cry?

* * *

Hughes was only able to stay for about an hour after that. The rest of the time was spent in normal conversation after the initial explosion of the two alchemists' tempers. Roy was extremely glad Hughes had come, even for such a short amount of time, because he felt he would not have been able to help Ed the way Hughes had.

If Hughes had not been here, they might even had come to blows.

After Hughes left, Roy didn't know what to do, so he made lunch. Although he normally avoided cooking, he was decent at it… especially when it involved fire. This time, however, Roy made soup just to avoid Ed.

"Fullmetal! Food!" Roy called. He felt annoyingly domestic, calling Ed to lunch like that. He waited a moment.

"Not hungry!" came the reply, muffled a bit from the door to Ed's room. Roy frowned. Ed hadn't eaten since the day before, at least. He peered into Ed's room and his frown deepened as he spotted Ed hunched over a small black journal, scribbling away. Then he'd pause, read over what he had written and react on whether he liked it or not. As Roy watched, Ed smiled faintly at one paragraph, then frowned at another. In the end, the blonde ripped the whole page out of the notebook, crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it into the waste basket next to his seat. Alchemy notes?

Ed didn't even glance up as Roy knocked on the door frame to gain his attention.

"You need to eat. I can bring it in here if you want me to. I made soup," Roy called. Ed really _had _domesticated him! He was like a… damn _pony _now.

Ed paused in his writing, then finally looked up. He studied Roy's face for a moment, then nodded.

"Thank you, Colonel…"

Secure in the knowledge Ed wasn't doing anything counter-productive, Roy fetched a bowl of soup and left it on the table next to Ed. Then he retreated to the kitchen to eat his own. When he was finished, he decided to do his paperwork before Hawkeye decided to pay him a visit.

It was nearly an hour later (and three cups of coffee to keep him awake during such boring work) that Roy looked up at a soft knock.

"Fullmetal?" Roy prompted when the boy said nothing. He had knocked on the doorframe, as Roy had earlier, and now he stood with his and resting on the frame, a serious look on his face.

"Colonel… Thanks for the soup. And for letting me stay here… Just… Thanks."

Roy set his pen down and pushed the papers aside. Then he turned so he was facing Ed. He remained sitting as he regarded Ed silently.

"You're welcome, Fullmetal."

"You were calling me 'Ed' earlier." Ed crossed his arms casually, as if he didn't really care.

Roy raised an eyebrow and resisted the urge to smirk. Smirking probably wasn't a good idea, Roy decided. "Would you like me to do so?"

Ed stared at Roy, then nodded slowly.

Roy risked a smile. "Alright, Ed. You can call me 'Roy' if you wish."

* * *

Ed stared blankly at the wall, his mind reeling with images he couldn't quite comprehend. Images he didn't _want _to comprehend. Occasionally, a single image would stick out to him-- his mother's failed transmutation, Al's body disappearing, Al's smile when they finally got his body back, Al's sadness when he found out Ed still needed automail, blood dripping down his arm, and, strangely, the haunted, sorrowful look in Roy Mustang's eyes as he gently traced his fingers over Ed's slashed arm.

Ed shivered. He wasn't _physically _cold, and it'd be sadly cliché to say he was emotionally cold. It wouldn't be true either. He wasn't emotionally cold… He was emotionally numb. There was nothing but a persistent ache of loneliness and uselessness.

Ed knew now that the numbness would recede with physical pain. He was also painfully aware that he had a blade on him at all times in the form of his right arm. All he had to do was transmute a part of his automail into a blade. Mustang would never have to know…

He wanted to do it. He _needed _to do it.

A shallow cut. That was all. He wouldn't try to kill himself again until he fulfilled his promise to the colonel… but he never said anything about shallow cuts…

Ed almost clapped his hands. Almost.

He stopped and let his arms drop when he realized he couldn't do it. He wished for his knife, left back at his dorms. It was so much easier when all he had to do was pick up a blade, rather than make one. Why didn't he have it, again?

Ed glanced down at himself and sighed. Right. Back at the dorm. He hadn't been there since he left yesterday morning. The fact he was currently wearing a borrowed shirt and sweats from Roy was a testament to the fact he hadn't planned on coming here. They were too big and they smelled like Roy Mustang. Ed couldn't decide if it was annoying or comforting. The scent of clean smoke with a faint musky undertone had flooded his nose when he first but on the clothes.

Ed sighed again and flopped back onto the bed. It was late. He should be sleeping. He _had _been sleeping until his seemingly-nightly nightmare woke him. He rubbed his eyes, then flexed his left forearm. The movement stretched the existing cuts but the time it had had to heal and the tight bandages prevented it from hurting too much.

* * *

Roy blinked at the ceiling, unsure of what exactly had woken him. He listened to the silence for a moment, then turned onto his side. After a few minutes, Roy growled into the inky darkness. Sleep just didn't seem to want to claim him again.

Annoyed, Roy swung his legs over the side of his bed and went for a glass of water. It didn't take him long to fetch and drink his cup. He returned to bed soon after and sank into the warmth.

He was beginning to doze again when a soft sound at the door drew his attention. He blinked blearily at the shadowed figure in the door and cocked his head to one side when he realized it was Edward.

"Colon-- Roy. I… heard you up. I couldn't sleep. Err…" Ed trailed off uncertainly. "I'll just go back to bed now."

Roy blinked again as Ed turned to leave. "Ed? Wait. C'mere," Roy called before he could completely register what was going on. His mind was still sleep-hazed, so he was going mostly on impulse. All Roy know was that Ed was rubbing his left arm uncomfortably and there was a tenseness he didn't like to Ed's stance.

Ed shot him a confused look but padded to Roy's bedside as Roy propped himself up onto his elbows.

Roy, still half-asleep, didn't even think about what he was doing. When Ed reached his bed, he simply reached up, snagged Ed's automail arm, and tugged Ed down onto his bed, where he had swept the blankets back. Roy's sleep-fogged mind only registered it was a nice little parody of Hughes's movements earlier.

* * *

Ed's eyes widened as he was unexpectedly pulled down against someone else for the second time in less than twenty-four hours.

He was about to yell and perhaps elbow the colonel for good measure when a warm arm was slung over his side, bringing a blanket with it.

"Sleep," came the command, given in a drowsy voice. Ed turned so he could see Roy and found the man nearly asleep already. Ed growled in annoyance and tried to move the arm so he could get up. He was a bit surprised when the arm simply tightened its grip, making it clear Roy had no intention of letting Ed get up yet.

Ed turned to Roy's face again and found a single, dark eye cracked lazily open.

"Sleep," Roy ordered once more, closing his eyes.

"…Asshole," Ed hissed, knowing that the whispered word probably wouldn't pierce the apparently thick fog of sleep that clouded Roy's mind.

Despite his annoyance at being treated like a child, he stayed for the same reason he had allowed Hughes to hold him earlier.

The warmth of Roy's arm tossed over him was oddly comforting. Lulled by the breathing of the other man, Ed fell asleep and, for the first time in a long time, slept completely undisturbed.

* * *

Roy woke to an empty bed. For a minute, he thought he had dreamt the whole ordeal with Ed coming to his bed, but when he dropped his head back to his pillow he caught a faint strain of an unfamiliar scent. Vanilla and oil, oddly enough. A smirk tugged at Roy's lips as he decided Edward Elric _would _have a strange combination of scents like that.

Speaking of the Fullmetal Alchemist…

Roy pushed himself to his feet and stalked to his door. A brief check of his house showed Ed back in his room, scribbling away in that journal again.

* * *

"Roy. Here." Ed tossed his journal onto Roy's lap. He turned and left before Roy could react.

Confused, Roy picked up the journal and surveyed it. It was a simple black journal. He opened to the first page and was greeted by Ed's small, neat handwriting. Roy had seen the script often enough in reports to recognize it. It was funny. Had he been asked, Roy would say the handwriting didn't fit Ed's personality. He would have expected it to be messy and sprawling, not this tidy, efficient lettering. Admittedly, most alchemists had neat writing, and Ed certainly was an alchemical prodigy-- a prodigy in general, actually.

Roy skimmed the first line of Ed's journal and his eyebrows shot up. It was Ed's _journal_. His real journal. The one that accounted his thoughts and feelings, and the first page was dated a week ago.

Roy frowned, and began to read.

_What is there to live for anymore? I've lived my life by the rule of Equivalent Exchange, but if you were to exchange all the things Al and I have had to go through, we should be, by all means, the richest men alive. Instead, I'm still stuck with automail, and Al lost most of his memories of his time as a suit of armor… All of our adventures together-- adventures which only made us closer (if that was possible)-- just… Gone. _

_Al's with Winry now. I don't know if they know it yet, but I can tell. They'll be a couple by the end of the month._

_Day after day I'll plaster a mask on my face and pretend everything's fine and dandy when all I want is to crawl in bed and cry. I want to cry for everything I've lost due to the fucked up version of 'Equivalent Exchange' that the world runs by… I want to, but I don't. I can't cry. I can't. I have to be the strong one. I know Al cries sometimes, mourning all we've lost… One of us needs to stand strong. One of us needs to be the pillar of support for the other to lean on. I just wonder how much of a pillar I can be when my resolve crumbles a bit more each day._

_A journal… It's funny. I don't know why I would keep one. I've heard it's supposed to help you sort out your thoughts, and let out your feelings. Hmph. Sounds stupid._

_Whatever. I bought this journal because it was a shame to see such craftsmanship at waste in that little shop where no one would buy it because the shopkeeper was different._

_I just don't know what to do anymore. This mission is a bust, but at least it's keeping me busy. _

_The knife I keep in my pocket has been distracting me a lot lately. I'll find it in my pocket and proceed to spend nearly half an hour simply staring at the blade sometimes. _

_Whatever. Maybe I should rip this page out and burn it before Al gets curious or something. Wouldn't want him to worry needlessly about his pathetic brother, now would I? I'll rip this page out when I get back to Central then._

Roy blinked. It made sense. He now knew why Ed had given his notebook to him. It was his way of talking without _talking_. But… He still didn't understand. So he did the only thing he could do. Read.

The journal skipped the next week, as if Ed had forgotten about the small book, until the entry dated with yesterday's date. There were numerous page stubs where Ed had obviously torn some out. This must have been the 'alchemy notes' Ed had been working on…

_I tried to kill myself yesterday. Twice. First I slit my wrists… But I knew that wouldn't kill me. I chickened out before I could do it right. Then I tried to jump off Central Headquarters. Mustang caught me. He, Hughes, Havoc, Hawkeye and who-knows who else all searched for me after I took off into the city, too afraid to face the consequences of my actions. They caught me, so I ran. Pitiable, isn't it?_

_Mustang was the one who found me and now I'm at his house. I don't know why I'm writing this, especially when I can barely admit most of this to myself…_

_I wish I had a purpose. There's nothing left for me here. Ever since I lost my arm and leg, and Al lost his body, I have been searching for the Philosopher's Stone. That was my goal. I needed to help Al. Then I succeeded and Al got his body back._

_I had fully expected to give my life and body in exchange for Al's. Instead, they took my purpose. I have nothing to live for. I have nothing left for me. My brother has already found a new person to hold in his heart… He loves Winry. It's a different sort of love, but she's taken my place all the same. _

_I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to deal with the damn emptiness! It's like a haze. A damn haze that just clouds my mind and makes it so that I can't concentrate or enjoy things or _anything_. I don't know what to do._

_I promised the stupid colonel I'd talk to either him or Hughes… But I can't do that. It's hard to explain, but I just can't. So I'm writing this. I'll give it to one of them and let them read about how messed up I really am while I'm safely away, in the other room or something. That's just how pathetic I am. I can't even face a promise I made. I really shouldn't have faltered when I had that blade to my wrist, right Colonel? Lieutenant Colonel? I should have slashed from wrist to elbow and let my blood flow out of me. One is all, all is one. I'd should have let myself become nutrients in the soil. Heh. First I tried to create life, now I'm trying to end it. When will I learn to stop playing god? I've already fallen to earth on melted wax wings. Where else is there for me to fall to? _

A quick check of the following pages told Roy there was only one more entry, dated today. There was a growing feeling of concern in Roy's gut. Reading Edward's thoughts, completely laid bare like that, put things into a much sharper perspective for Roy. It was hard for him to imagine the fiery, passionate, dedicated alchemist as the same turbulent, _hurt_, painfully young, lost man who wrote this. Roy refused to call Ed a 'boy' because he now understood it was a false label. Ed hadn't been a boy for a long time.

How long had Ed been hiding these thoughts?

Roy swallowed, attempting to ease the lump of apprehension in his throat, and read the last entry.

_I woke up in bed with the colonel this morning. I had gone to him last night when I couldn't sleep and heard him up, getting a glass of water, I think. Truthfully, it wasn't that I couldn't sleep, I was afraid to go back to sleep. I let my fear rule me again. It's funny how most people fear death above all else… I fear my past. But I digress, I woke in Roy Mustang, the egotistical, morally bankrupt, womanizing, irritating, smug bastard's bed. I went to him last night because I needed something to distract me. Alone, I would surely have transmuted my automail into a blade and commence doing the exact thing I promised I would not do until I talked. So I went to Mustang's room and found him very near sleep. I was going to go back to my room when he called me over and pulled me into his bed. I don't think he was coherent, exactly, but still! But just like with Hughes, when he pulled me into his lap, I couldn't bring myself to leave. _

_I reiterate, for the fiftieth time, I'm pathetic._

_I want to finally rest but I can't seem to bring myself to finish it. Maybe I should go run around advertising the fact I'm the Fullmetal Alchemist and wait for some insane villain to come to kill me. Ha. What a pathetic way to die. "Fullmetal Alchemist killed by eighty year old radical." Granted, it probably wouldn't be quite like that, but it'd be nicely ironic._

_I guess there's four things I can do. Kill myself. Get myself killed. Live on in this desolate, futile life. Or find a reason to live. _

_I confess, the first two are the most likely. I can't live this life, and I doubt a reason to live will simply spring up out of nowhere._

_Isn't it properly ironic, Colonel? That the Icarus that fell from the sky due to his attempts at creating life would be the same one that would try to take his own? You asked 'why' so here's my answer. I have no reason to live. What is there for me?_

Following the end of the journal entry was a scrawled quote. Roy didn't know what it was from, but the words made his stomach flop.

"_Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood. All the ones around me, I cared for and most of all I loved, but I can't see myself that way… Please don't forget me, or cry while I'm away. Cry alone, I've gone away… No more nights, no more pain. I've gone alone, took all my strength, but I've made the change, I won't see you tonight. So far away, I'm gone. Please don't follow me tonight, and while I'm gone, everything will be alright."_

_Fitting, isn't it, Colonel?_

Roy blinked and was surprised to find his vision a bit blurred. Tears gathered in his eyes but refused to fall. Roy Mustang didn't cry. He hadn't cried since his own time of near-suicide, so why was he nearly crying for his subordinate?

Silently, Roy closed the journal with a snap and stood. He paused for a moment to make sure his eyes were dry before he strode to Ed's room and knocked once. He opened the door without waiting for a reply.

Ed froze and stared at him with wide eyes. It was obvious he had been pacing, and the trepidation was clear on the young man's face. Without a word, Roy stalked over to Ed, ignoring the deer-in-headlights look he received. Once he was towering over Ed (noting the fact that had it been a less serious moment, he undoubtedly would have commented on the fact Ed barely reached his chin), a sharp slap echoed through the room. Ed let out a quiet gasp.

"That is for thinking you had to be strong. And for thinking you were alone," Roy hissed as he wrapped an arm around Ed's shoulders and drew him closer.

Ed stared at him incredulously, his cheek already reddening.

Roy dropped into a kneeling position, pulling Ed to his knees in the process and took Ed into his arms, properly. In this position, his head was about level with Ed's and he was a bit amazed to find how easily Ed fit into his arms. Again, Roy was reminded of how small Ed really was.

"It's okay to cry. Really," Roy whispered as he tucked his head over Ed's shoulder. He felt a hand fist itself into the back of his shirt and Ed trembled a bit.

Roy couldn't see Ed's face, but whether accompanied by actual tears or not, Ed's body was wracked by slow, silent sobs. They stayed like that for long minutes.

Ed rubbed his face against Roy's shoulder, pulled back enough to rub his eyes with his sleeves, then left Roy's embrace.

"Why are you doing this?"

Roy frowned as he shifted his weight to his other leg, since the kneeling was beginning to make his foot hurt.

"I already told you, Edward. I care. I'm not the only one. And…" Roy's mind seemed to have fallen asleep while Ed was wrapped in his arms. Had he been thinking, he probably would not have said his next words.

"I want to be your reason."

"My… reason?" Ed repeated, raising an eyebrow as he rubbed his nose. He brought both his hands to his lap as he continued to watch Roy. Roy wondered what they looked like. An Amestris colonel and State Alchemist, kneeling on the floor with the youngest State Alchemist ever sitting on his heels before him.

Roy nodded. He shifted so that his face was as close as he could get to Ed's without having to move his feet. "Your reason to live. If you'll let me."

Had Roy been thinking, he would have been appalled at his next actions. Instead, he went with his first impulse. He gripped Ed's shirt and tugged him forward, earning another startled squeak and touched their lips in a short, chaste kiss.

When he let go, Ed fell backwards and stared. Those finely arched, nearly feminine eyebrows were seemingly trying to meet Ed's hairline as Ed gaped for an instant.

Roy watched with a detached calmness. What was he doing? He had just kissed Edward Elric, his subordinate, a male, a young man who was _fourteen years his junior_. Did he mention his subordinate? His _suicidal _subordinate.

One thought seemed to echo through Roy's mind. '_What the hell are you thinking, Roy Mustang?!'_

During Roy's internal scolding, Ed seemed to have calmed.

"I don't need your _pity_, Mustang," he hissed with angry golden eyes flashing. They were the most alive Roy had seen them in a long time. It was one of the things he hadn't realized was missing until it was back.

"I'm not offering you _pity_, Edward." It was funny how Roy's voice could remain calm when his mind was running in frantic circles.

Suspicion was written clearly on Ed's face. "Then what _are_ you offering?"

"I don't know. Would it be strange of me to say I'm offering myself?" Roy attempted a smug smirk. He wasn't sure if it came out right, but he tried.

There was a long pause.

"Do you mean it?"

Roy nodded gravely.

"A reason to live, huh?" Ed shifted a bit closer his eyes flickering over Roy's face, trying to discern any clues indicating the sincerity of Roy's words. He seemed satisfied with what he found. "I've been needing one of those. Seems I lost my last one."

Roy opened his mouth to scold Ed for making light of something so monumental, but he stopped when he realized it was simply Ed's personality.

So instead, Roy brought his lips to Ed's in another kiss.

He didn't know what had possessed him to kiss Ed the first time, but he was glad he had. Thinking back, Roy didn't know how long his feelings for the Fullmetal Alchemist had existed. Thinking back, Roy realized he had always thought of Ed as someone different from the rest of his subordinates.

As Roy reached up and cupped Ed's face, he found himself oddly satisfied with the results. Perhaps he wasn't so bad with people after all… or perhaps Edward Elric was just an anomaly that Roy was able to deal with.

"Promise me," Roy breathed as he broke off the surprisingly sweet kiss. Kisses, for Roy, had almost always been heated and hard, but he had no desire to deepen the kiss with the blonde boy. No, that wasn't true. He did. But he was equally satisfied with the slow sweetness of their current ones. "Promise me you'll come to me when you need to. Promise."

Ed stared at Roy, biting his lower lip. From this close, Roy noticed Ed's eyes weren't really a pure solid gold color. There were slivers of darker gold-- nearly hazel-- and lighter gold-- an amberish color. Finally, Ed nodded.

"I'll come to you as long as you're my 'reason.' If you give that up, this promise won't apply," Ed warned, a slow smile-smirk combination making its was onto his face.

Roy nodded. "Fair enough."

He claimed Ed's lips once more in a startlingly tender kiss.

'_If this were a story, this would be the horribly clichéd ending,_' Roy thought with a smirk of his own. He couldn't say he was unhappy with the cliché though. He couldn't be unhappy with Ed's unexpectedly soft lips on his own.

Ed pulled away just long enough to breathe a single word.

"Bastard."

Roy didn't know what he had done to deserve that particular insult this time, but he let it go. He couldn't, after all, ruin this perfect, cliché ending with a taunt now could he?

* * *

10 March 2007

Dear god, that was horrible. …. Yes, I do think that was a horribly clichéd ending, so I apologize to all of you who agree.

Like it? Love it? Hate it? Review and tell me.

Questions? Comments? Review with those also.

Nothing to say? Heck, review anyways.


	3. Epilogue

Author's Rant: So I hated the way GmaR ended, so I wrote an epilogue. I'm a bit happier with everything, because I couldn't help but think chapter 2 made it seem like suddenly everything was okay with Ed. I wanted to let you all know that wasn't the case. So I wrote an epilogue. And it still sucks. Maybe I should just stay away from the FMA fandom before I warp it all out of recognition. Yeah… that'd probably be a good idea…  
Btw, yes, I do know what happens in episode 25/volume 4. I just chose it ignore it. Because I'm stupid like that.

**Give me a Reason**

Epilogue

By Demias

The silence of the morning was broken by the deafening crash of glass breaking. Roy rolled out of bed and had his gloves on his hand (grabbed from the top of his nightstand) before his mind could register the fact that he was awake.

He looked frantically around the room, from his crouched position, his fingers poised to snap, but found nothing unusual. It took his sleep-hazed mind a full minute to realize what exactly was wrong.

His bed was empty. It hadn't been empty for nearly two months now. Normally, he had a little blonde alchemist accompany him to sleep.

They had never gone further than some heavy petting, yet they both shared a bed when they could. It was an issue of comfort rather than sex.

Roy frantically stumbled to his feet and listened for a moment. Faintly he could make out heavy breathing, almost to the point of hyperventilating, in his bathroom.

Roy whipped the door open and froze. His breath caught in his throat as he found Ed crouching in the shattered remains of his bathroom mirror, clutching a bloody hand. Numbly, Roy wondered why Ed broke the mirror with his flesh arm-- his automail arm would have broken it and wouldn't have been harmed.

Roy was shaken out of his detached curiosity as Ed brought his automail hand across the shards, scattering them across the floor.

Roy snapped out of his daze and knelt at Ed's side, trying to avoid the pieces of mirror where he could and ignoring the pain when he couldn't. Silently, he wrapped his arms around the smaller boy.

For a long moment, Roy thought Ed's pride wouldn't allow him to accept the comfort Roy was offering. That happened too often for Roy's liking, but he dealt with it as it came. Normally, when that happened, Roy would just sit with Ed, offering his presence but not touching Ed unless he initiated the touch first.

Roy breathed a minute sigh of relief when Ed took a deep, shuddering breath and relaxed into Roy's embrace. Roy winced as the shift of weight brought his heel down onto a small piece of glass, but merely tightened his grip on the smaller frame.

Roy didn't question the origins of the apparent outburst, nor would he offer any reassurances until he knew the circumstances behind it. He would not promise anything he wasn't sure he could give.

He didn't know how long they stayed kneeling there. The heavy silence was broken only by their breathing. When Ed's finally slowed to normal, Ed pulled away just enough to look up at Roy's face.

Roy offered a sad smile as he stood and tugged Ed towards the door. Edward followed and soon, Roy had him seated on the edge of the bed. Still without a word, Roy fetched the first aid kit, and, as gently as he could, began picking out the small shards lodged in the cuts that crisscrossed Ed's knuckles.

Thankfully, there weren't many.

Once the blood was cleaned off, Roy was glad to see the cuts weren't as bad as he had originally thought. He wrapped a bandage around Ed's knuckles, tied it off with a knot, and looked up at Ed.

Edward eyes were pained as Roy gently rubbed his thumb in little circles on Ed's knees, knowing Ed could only feel one of them. From his position on the floor, nearly between Ed's legs, he could easily see the uncertainty of Ed's posture.

Finally, Roy spoke. "Ed…?"

In that single word, he put his worry and his inquiry.

Ed closed his eyes. "Sorry. I woke you… I didn't mean to." He gave a hollow laugh in an attempt to ease Roy's worry, though it served only to make his concern sharpen. "I just…"

Ed paused and opened his eyes. When those golden orbs sought Roy's, Roy gave eye contact easily.

"Have you ever… Seen something that you know isn't there, yet you can't help but react?"

Roy nodded. "I have. After Ishbal."

Ed gave a small smile.

"Right. I keep forgetting I'm not the only one who's had problems. Selfish of me, isn't it?" He took a deep breath. "Do you know today's date?"

Roy faltered as he mentally added the days in his head.

"October third," he said finally. After the words had already left his mouth, Roy realized the significance of them. "Ooh. Ed…"

Ed shook his head to stop Roy. "It's stupid. Did you know I carved the date into my pocket watch so I wouldn't forget? It's stupid of me… That I need to remind myself of it. Normally, on these days I ignore it… I don't know what's wrong with me today.

"In the mirror… It's stupid. Pathetic. I saw my mom… And that _thing_ that we created. Both of them were reaching for me… I swear I could _hear_ my mom telling me to fix her.

"If it had just stayed like that… I could have handled it. It's something I see often enough… But…"

Roy found himself pinned by desperate gold eyes as Ed slid off the bed to kneel at the same heights as Roy.

"This time, I saw _you. _You asked me what I would do if you died… If I'd sacrifice my other limbs for _you._"

Ed buried his head into Roy's shoulder. "And I can't answer that. I can't. Because I don't know what I would do."

Silently, Roy wrapped his arms around Ed once again and sighed against Ed's hair, a couple strands tickling his nose.

This time, he did murmur soft reassurances that he wouldn't die anytime soon and that everything would be alright.

And everything _would _be alright, he swore to himself. Everything had to be alright.

Ed was getting better. Roy no longer worried about him alone in the same room with sharp objects, nor did he worry about Ed on tall buildings. Because Ed had promised he'd come to Roy first, and Roy trusted that promise. Outbursts like this one were becoming fewer and further between. Roy knew Ed would never rid himself completely of that emptiness inside of him. He knew because he still carried the pain of Ishbal… but someday, everything would be okay again.

Roy tightened his grip on Ed.

Someday.

He made that his goal as much as becoming Fuhrer was. Helping Ed was his personal goal while attaining the position of Fuhrer was his professional goal. And someday, he'd accomplish both.

Because he was Roy Mustang, and there was nothing he couldn't do.

11 March 2007

Give me a break, alright? I wrote this in about ten minutes, simply because I was so unhappy with the ending of the last chapter.


End file.
